Snack Dog

It's totally a Gray's Papaya lunch today. $1 hot dogs, the best in the city. Ah, nitrates.

Sweet confidence

So back in the day, when I was a newbie to the big city, and used to rock out harder than in college (the basic difference being 4 bars in my college town vs. 4000 bars in Manhattan), I would get beer confidence and shout out "I'm the hottest girl in here!" My friends were amused, and it became my thing, quickly turning into a joke at my confident naivete. I would shout it out at all moments. Good times.

Well, last fall, I happened to be on tour with an author that took me to Baltimore, where my best good friend from college lives. I enjoy Baltimore. I think it's an underrated city with a good amount to offer - waterfront views, some great sporting venues (ahem, Camden Yards), amazing Bloody Mary's (they use Old Bay seasoning around the rim, so key), Crab Cakes, and their own little accent. It's a little bit country, a little bit city - they drop the TI in BalTImore, and simply call it Bal-M0re.

That's not the meat of my story, simply an aside. The real juice here, is that when I (practically soberly, I might add) said "I'm the hottest girl in here" to my friend while we were hanging in a fairly trendy bar in a trendy neighborhood, it was true. Never have I risen so above the clientele. I don't know if that's sad or awesome. Maybe a little of both. But let's say one thing that Baltimore is lacking is the ability to realize that skin-tight clothing and fat rolls is not, and will never be, a reason to claim you're the hottest girl in there.

Crossword Mania

So I might be late in coming to this obsession, but I'm in deep: the daily crossword. Alas, Monday I can complete, and beyond that, the boxes become more and more empty. I enlist my boyfriend to help as the weekend grows near. Still, something to look forward to every day.

Do you think that a crossword editor wakes up one day when he's 10 and says "I want to edit crosswords when I grow up!" Do you have to take special classes? What is involved?

Perhaps I should see the new flick, "Wordplay."

Stop the insanity

What sane woman claims she can't wait to have more children, less than a month after giving birth?

Well, Angelina Jolie, clearly the patron saint of motherly love. Either that, or she's crazier than a shithouse rat. This is the same woman who wore Billy Bob's blood in a vial around her neck, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Also, let's not forget she said she'd adopt again. In interviews she said she was terriefied while giving birth (rightly so, I'm sure, but I'm not one to speak from experience). I don't think she'll let Brad's magic stick within 10 feet of her Va-J-J anytime soon.

Happy Flag Day!

Hey, I'm all for celbrating holidays, especially if they involve a weekend, food, and booze. But Flag Day does none of these things. What exactly DOES Flag Day celebrate?

I did some sleuthing, and alas, it's really not all that exciting:

"Flag Day, is a day for all Americans to celebrate and show respect for our flag, its designers and makers. Our flag is representative of our independence and our unity as a nation.....one nation, under God, indivisible. Our flag has a proud and glorious history. It was at the lead of every battle fought by Americans. Many people have died protecting it. It even stands proudly on the surface of the moon. "

In this day and age, honestly, I'm surprisedthe date still gets printed on calendars. I'm all for protecting the sanctity of the symbol of our freedom, but if you really want to make Flag Day a celebration, move it to a weekend. Then, it's go time.

Hitmen who think they're not guilty

Right, it's their lawyers fault....
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/06/13/mafia.cops.ap/index.html

Or perhaps, it's because they're guilty scumbag assholes????

Coffee, how do I love thee?

The deal with coffee just keeps getting better and better. Now researchers are saying that a cuppa joe can reduce the effects of cirrhosis of the liver by up to 22%. So all those hangovers days when I craved coffee, when I needed it so much it hurt, probably actually helped me. Glad I didn't waste the calories on Coke.

Steven Johnson was right - Everything Bad IS Good for You!

Rock the Air

Gear up for 2006, aka the year of Air Guitar. A short bit about the glorious art here:
http://theowlmag.com/reelseries.asp?id=7

Baby Dumbo

There is an elephant who has been in labor for 3 days, and has her 300-lb. calf stuck in her birth canal. She's supposed to undergo surgery today to remove it. Might or might not be alive.

I cannot even feasibly imagine the discomfort of this poor mama....

Let your fingers do the walkin'

I want a finger pedometer, to see how many keystrokes I type in a day. It would be interesting to translate that into a fathomable number, like miles.

Weird dreams

So last night I had a dream that I was making out with one of my authors. But it was a weird hybrid of him and one of my friends (they bear a striking resemblance). To creep it out further, it was in my childhood bedroom, with twin bed that I haven't had since like 4th grade. And my mom walked in. And my author had feety PJ's on.

WTF????

Now that you're all royally creeped out...

But at least he's a dude. And young. And attractive. So at lest I have make-out dreams with cute guys.

Play-by-play confirmation hearings

Here's General Hayden, asking for "1 meeeeeeeeeelion dollars" if he becomes head of the CIA.

And here he is, showing off his amazing martials arts skills for Sen. Mike DeWine (R) Ohio. I believe he studied under Jackie Chan.

Elevator hater

Just a thought: when you get into the elevator and push the button for your floor, move to the back. Don't block the whole button console. I don't care if you're getting off on Floor 2, it's just rude, because then no one can get to the buttons, and you end up making everyone else getting onto the elevator jostle around. I'm sorry if you're so self-absorbed that you think you're the priority, but it's sheer laziness.

Same with those morons who crowd the subways doors. Someone will always be running for a train, so move the hell out of the doorway, at least while it's open. The tourists are the worst - I understand they just might not get it, but if you can't ride public transportation safely and smartly, take a damn cab. I'd suggest waking, but they're always the slow ones who take the whole sidewalk, and I don't want to deal with that either.

Get out there and read, dammit.

I dig what Elizabeth Crane is doing here.

What better person to start with, than one of my favorite people/writers, George Saunders.

(Ed. note: Ok, so i'm a little biased, since I am his publicist. But he is the nicest human being alive, and deserves all good things that come to him. And he's an amazing funny, brilliant writer.)

John McCain has gone to the dark side

John McCain is cozying up to the conservative right for his next Presidential bid. To think what he could accommplish as a uniter, not divider?

Shame, shame. I would have voted for you, had you not gone slummin' to the right. Dammit.

Just graduate, dude

This is the lamest person alive:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/EDUCATION/05/10/perpetual.student.ap/index.html

Even Tommy Boy didn't take this long. Fat guy in a little coooooooooooat.....

Human Fish and Mormons

Why is David Blaine such a freak? Since when is THIS news??

On a happier note, that freaky pedophile fundamentalist/wannabe prophet Warren Jeffs is on the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted list. Sweet.

Seriously, the FDLS freak me out a bit. One of the best books I've read (and definitely one of the top 5 non-fiction books) is Under the Banner of Heaven, by Jon Krakauer, who delves into the Mormon Church, aka The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

It's an interesting eye-opener, but especially scary is the FDLS, the Mormon Fundamentalists, who split from the main Mormon Church in the 1800s when it condoned polygamy. They're bleeding the goverment dry by collecting welfare (more than $6 million a year, since by polygamy's standards, men are married to several women, but those women are not recognized as wives - and they have broods of children. Hence, single mom-dom). It's a fascinating book and insight into one of the fastest growing religions in the world.

Sonsabitches

Goddamn that stupid Chase Bank commericial - you know, the one with the girl and her daddy and then it's her wedding. And thank God for Chase, because they allow Daddy to pay for the whole she-bang.

Too bad I'm all PMS-y and hormonal and it made me tear up. Now that just pisses me off. Glad I don't bank with those fuckers, toying with my emotions like that.

Word origin

So where does "in the hopper" come from? I just used that, and have no idea what it means. Perhaps I should query Patricia O'Connor.

Or maybe my friend Rockstar knows.

Sergeant Honeynuts at your service

This is the greatest thing ever:
http://cheekysquirrel.net/squirrelname/index.php

You all can all me Sgt. Honeynuts from here on out. Or Lt. Bacones. Although Funbags has dibs on that one.