Calling All Squatters

Ok, bitches, listen up: if you're one of thos annoying, disgusting seat pee-ers, you need to pay close attention.

First, you're peeing on the seat because you're squatting, and you're squatting because you're afraid of pee on the seat. This is a chicken-or-egg scenario. You pee on the seat because you squat, which begins a vicious cycle. Use TP as a barrier if you're that afraid. But for the love of all things holy, stop squatting - you're just funking it up for the next girl!

Second, this is for nesters: HOW MUCH TP DO YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR STINKY BUM?? I go into my office restroom, and the toilets are often clogged, which causes overflow, which is dirtier than anything you'd find on the seat. Why are they clogged? Someone could have docked a giant freighter, perhaps aircraft carrier-size, but odds are, their nesting materials sank it in the end. I also love those people who you can hear the roll going round and round - they must go through half a roll doing god knows what.

Third, any funk that's on your ass region is probably nastier than anything that can survive on a toilet seat, especially in an office building. All bets are off in a public park, or a place where lord knows what happens on that seat, but come on, in a 9-5 office building where you know your co-workers, simmer down.

Fourth, ladies, puh-LEESE: Plastic hygiene containers do not belong IN the toilet. Those go in the trashcan. I'm sick of being surprised with a pastic white tube floating around in the water that will never go down. Have an iota of respect for the cleaning person who has to fish that out.

I am repeatedly apalled at the level of bathroom inetiquette in my company's stalls. I feel like I work with a bunch of 3rd graders who never learned the proper way to pee, etc.

When it comes to public toilets, get your shit together...literally.

Countdown

I am jittery in anticipation of my impending vacation. Sitting on a beach for 5 days...and I'm not even a beach person.

I expect to eat, drink, and be merry. And hopefully not burn to a crisp.

Snack Dog

It's totally a Gray's Papaya lunch today. $1 hot dogs, the best in the city. Ah, nitrates.

Sweet confidence

So back in the day, when I was a newbie to the big city, and used to rock out harder than in college (the basic difference being 4 bars in my college town vs. 4000 bars in Manhattan), I would get beer confidence and shout out "I'm the hottest girl in here!" My friends were amused, and it became my thing, quickly turning into a joke at my confident naivete. I would shout it out at all moments. Good times.

Well, last fall, I happened to be on tour with an author that took me to Baltimore, where my best good friend from college lives. I enjoy Baltimore. I think it's an underrated city with a good amount to offer - waterfront views, some great sporting venues (ahem, Camden Yards), amazing Bloody Mary's (they use Old Bay seasoning around the rim, so key), Crab Cakes, and their own little accent. It's a little bit country, a little bit city - they drop the TI in BalTImore, and simply call it Bal-M0re.

That's not the meat of my story, simply an aside. The real juice here, is that when I (practically soberly, I might add) said "I'm the hottest girl in here" to my friend while we were hanging in a fairly trendy bar in a trendy neighborhood, it was true. Never have I risen so above the clientele. I don't know if that's sad or awesome. Maybe a little of both. But let's say one thing that Baltimore is lacking is the ability to realize that skin-tight clothing and fat rolls is not, and will never be, a reason to claim you're the hottest girl in there.

Crossword Mania

So I might be late in coming to this obsession, but I'm in deep: the daily crossword. Alas, Monday I can complete, and beyond that, the boxes become more and more empty. I enlist my boyfriend to help as the weekend grows near. Still, something to look forward to every day.

Do you think that a crossword editor wakes up one day when he's 10 and says "I want to edit crosswords when I grow up!" Do you have to take special classes? What is involved?

Perhaps I should see the new flick, "Wordplay."

Stop the insanity

What sane woman claims she can't wait to have more children, less than a month after giving birth?

Well, Angelina Jolie, clearly the patron saint of motherly love. Either that, or she's crazier than a shithouse rat. This is the same woman who wore Billy Bob's blood in a vial around her neck, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Also, let's not forget she said she'd adopt again. In interviews she said she was terriefied while giving birth (rightly so, I'm sure, but I'm not one to speak from experience). I don't think she'll let Brad's magic stick within 10 feet of her Va-J-J anytime soon.

Happy Flag Day!

Hey, I'm all for celbrating holidays, especially if they involve a weekend, food, and booze. But Flag Day does none of these things. What exactly DOES Flag Day celebrate?

I did some sleuthing, and alas, it's really not all that exciting:

"Flag Day, is a day for all Americans to celebrate and show respect for our flag, its designers and makers. Our flag is representative of our independence and our unity as a nation.....one nation, under God, indivisible. Our flag has a proud and glorious history. It was at the lead of every battle fought by Americans. Many people have died protecting it. It even stands proudly on the surface of the moon. "

In this day and age, honestly, I'm surprisedthe date still gets printed on calendars. I'm all for protecting the sanctity of the symbol of our freedom, but if you really want to make Flag Day a celebration, move it to a weekend. Then, it's go time.

Hitmen who think they're not guilty

Right, it's their lawyers fault....
http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/06/13/mafia.cops.ap/index.html

Or perhaps, it's because they're guilty scumbag assholes????

Coffee, how do I love thee?

The deal with coffee just keeps getting better and better. Now researchers are saying that a cuppa joe can reduce the effects of cirrhosis of the liver by up to 22%. So all those hangovers days when I craved coffee, when I needed it so much it hurt, probably actually helped me. Glad I didn't waste the calories on Coke.

Steven Johnson was right - Everything Bad IS Good for You!

Rock the Air

Gear up for 2006, aka the year of Air Guitar. A short bit about the glorious art here:
http://theowlmag.com/reelseries.asp?id=7

Baby Dumbo

There is an elephant who has been in labor for 3 days, and has her 300-lb. calf stuck in her birth canal. She's supposed to undergo surgery today to remove it. Might or might not be alive.

I cannot even feasibly imagine the discomfort of this poor mama....

Let your fingers do the walkin'

I want a finger pedometer, to see how many keystrokes I type in a day. It would be interesting to translate that into a fathomable number, like miles.