Calling All Squatters

Ok, bitches, listen up: if you're one of thos annoying, disgusting seat pee-ers, you need to pay close attention.

First, you're peeing on the seat because you're squatting, and you're squatting because you're afraid of pee on the seat. This is a chicken-or-egg scenario. You pee on the seat because you squat, which begins a vicious cycle. Use TP as a barrier if you're that afraid. But for the love of all things holy, stop squatting - you're just funking it up for the next girl!

Second, this is for nesters: HOW MUCH TP DO YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR STINKY BUM?? I go into my office restroom, and the toilets are often clogged, which causes overflow, which is dirtier than anything you'd find on the seat. Why are they clogged? Someone could have docked a giant freighter, perhaps aircraft carrier-size, but odds are, their nesting materials sank it in the end. I also love those people who you can hear the roll going round and round - they must go through half a roll doing god knows what.

Third, any funk that's on your ass region is probably nastier than anything that can survive on a toilet seat, especially in an office building. All bets are off in a public park, or a place where lord knows what happens on that seat, but come on, in a 9-5 office building where you know your co-workers, simmer down.

Fourth, ladies, puh-LEESE: Plastic hygiene containers do not belong IN the toilet. Those go in the trashcan. I'm sick of being surprised with a pastic white tube floating around in the water that will never go down. Have an iota of respect for the cleaning person who has to fish that out.

I am repeatedly apalled at the level of bathroom inetiquette in my company's stalls. I feel like I work with a bunch of 3rd graders who never learned the proper way to pee, etc.

When it comes to public toilets, get your shit together...literally.