Cover your wounds with meat

Wow. I am amazed. And pissed - why didn't I, with the namesake of Bacon, come up with this? OK, this so so sick and wrong but delightfully wonderful I could not help but post.


You can buy these babies at www.mcphee.com. And yes, they have an antire "Bacon" link. This is going to occupy me for days.....

NJ Nachos

So I went to another state to get nachos the other day. It was well worth it the 10 minute trip under the Hudson River to hit that delightful snack at the Black Bear in Hoboken. Relived some great memories as well.

Hey, when they're the best in the tri-state area, you have to just make the effort sometime when you have a hankering.

Call me Baldie

So I think I'm going bald in my eyelashes. Is that even possible? It makes me so sad. I remember in my younger years when I had such lush full lashes. Not so much anymore.

I wish my eyebrows would stop growing and instead fill in my lashes. No fair.

Dr Claw (Cheney)

Yar, look at me, I'm not just a claw, I'm a person!

Inspector Cheney

Ever wonder where Dick Cheney is in times of need? I think I've figured it out. He's not a real person at all - he's Dr. Claw, from Inspector Gadget. He's an arm, a spooky voice, and a brain and a jar with a cat. His "human form" is actually just a holograph, or robotic type person. Think C3PO.

Well, at least that explains why he's such a piece of shit. He's an inanimate cartoon character!

Seriously?!

I mean, I LOVE Rachael Ray, but even if you slap a fancy name on it, does this even constitute as a recipe?!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_26556,00.html

I could make bacon in the microwave when I was 8. In fact, I didn't even know most people cooked it in a pan. My mom had this nifty Tupperware bacon cooker platter thing that had a grease tray and grooves, so it was a way better option for cooking my lifeblood (ie: bacon).

Best birthday cake ever!

Ok, so this is from my 25th birthday, 2 years ago, but I think it's the coolest darn thing on the planet. And I warned all you about my bacon fetish when I started this blog. My dear talented friend Shannon (aka Red-Faced Wonder) baked it and frosted it. Abso-brill.

Gummy pasta and faux grill marks

Can anyone please explain to me why I delight in Weight Watchers Bistro Selections? What's to love about gummy noodles, perfectly square "chicken" with grill marks (who are they fooling here - I mean, we all know that workers in the entree factory aren't slaving over a grill, individually grillin up 5 trillion lbs of chicken per year) and a sauce that's so loaded with salt that I have to drink 5 extra litres of water to offset it? And it leaves that funky, prepared food taste in your mouth - you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a kind of coating that you just know isn't right - I mean you don't get that feeling when you eat fruit or veggies or whole grains, aka the good stuff that ain't fun to eat like fake-ass chicken.

Anyway, I had the Bistro Selection for lunch today and utterly delighted in it's weirdness. It's aesthetically pleasing and I don't know why. I actually have never even ordered chicken fettucine in a restaurant. My ex-boyfriend made it for us for dinner once, and I think that's been my only experience.

But one time I was either temporarey blinded by NY's extreme grocery prices or frozen into purchasing while standing with the freezer door open and I decided to go for it. Depending on what state I was in (hungover, half-asleep, happy) I could have just picked the wrong thing entirely. But the first time I had it, I clearly liked it enough to purchase again.

I think what I enjoy the most about these frozen entrees is what appeals to probably every person out there who ever purchases them: easy, one-portion meals that aren't overly bad for you. And sometimes you just want a hot meal. My chicken fettucine only had 5 grams of fat and less than 300 calories. And the processed-ness of it just does something - it makes me nostalgic and comforted at the same time.

Ok, so HERE are the baby cheetahs.

Baby Cheetahs!

A few pics of the adorable babies we saw at the National Zoo on July 9.

Monuments, animals, and brews in our nation's capital.

So it's been 4-eva (yes, with the popularity of Entourage, why wouldn't I be channeling Marky Mark from the movie Fear?)

I was in our nation's capital last weekend and had quite the enjoyable time. My friend and I were up at the ungodly hour of 7 AM on a Saturday in order to get crackin' and get to the National Zoo before 1) People crowded the viewing of the baby cheetahs, 2) Said baby cheetahs were too tired to frolick and/or were off-view, and 3) to beat the heat (a 90-degree scorcher was in the works for the day).

I have never been to the National Zoo. The first zoo I've visited in many, many years was the Central Park Zoo this past December, which was a delightful: small taste of some cute penguins, a cool rainforest area (nice way to warm up when it's 35 degress outside) and some other less than ferocious animals. The National Zoo is quite nice. And free. The cheetahs were adorable and we found out that a baby panda had been born just 7 hours prior. A productive day. And on our way out, I saw a parent with a child attached to a leash. Classic. Hey, at least she was in tune enough to know that her kid needs to be on one. I applaud her.

From there we went downtown to check the monuments and join the hordes in hip-packs, short shorts with high socks and sneaks, and cameras. Haven't done the tourist thing since college, so saw some new monuments, like Korea, which was very moving, and the new WWII (got a pic for my dear grandpop's memory). We also found a key new monument, hidden away and perfect for 90 degree afternoons - a snack kiosk selling beer. This was a delightful little surprise, because there's not really anything our forefathers would have enjoyed more than to open their city to us so we can relax by a man-made lake, sipping $2.85 cans of Bud Light (so cheap!), with the Washington Monument to our direct right, and the Lincoln Memorial to our direct left. It's like two of our greatest leaders were looking out for us, blessing us to drink in their presence. Proud to be an American, mos def.

So after 6 beers each, we trudged around some more, sun had gone down a bit, the hip-packs gone back to their hotels, and then just hiked back to the car to get some eats.

And eventful day in our nation's capital. Thank you, Washington, D.C., for allowing alcoholic beverages in your park. You made my day even better.

So you'd almost think I was Catholic...

All these Pope postings. Let's just say I'm glad that we missed the insanity in Rome. I mean, there are barely any public toilets anyway, I cannot even IMAGINE what it was like for a week. Yikes!

So this new Pope. I mean, how crazy-cool would it be? I mean, this is like the end-all-be-all. This guy has ARRIVED. I mean, back in the day, I got all exicted waiting to hear if I made National Honor Society, or Student Body President, or was elected to something that SO pales in comparison.

I mean, don't you think he'd be getting into his new white robe and just be running around the joint yelling, "Holy Shit, I'm the POPE!" I mean, he wouldn't be taking God's name in vain or anything, but even so, when you become Pope, I'd say you're even allowed a little blasphemy. I mean, hell, you're POPE for chrissakes!

It's almost better than being President - you get to sell your propaganda to millions of people who take your word as gospel. He's like George Bush for Catholics. I wish I had that kind of power. Like I could make everyone eat one of those new BK Enormous Sandwiches every Friday and make everyone fat and unhealthy. Just because I say so. That would rule.

Fun with phrases

2 phrases that we should do everything in our power to invite (back) into the vernacular:
1. No Sweat!
2. Que Pasa?

Now, my feelings on these. First, "No Sweat" has such a delightfully retro feel to it. It brings back memories of Olivia Newton-John in spandex, roller skates, Valley Girls, and neon.

Que Pasa - just a more fun way of asking "What's up?!" Whattup/wazzup is so last century - and I still use it. (Note to reader: It's not that I'm un-hip - shut it - it's just that I am forgetful in my usage of new phrases until it becomes familiar). But que pasa....now that's got flava.

So bring it. No sweat.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of shut the hell up

So it's been a while. I was in this totally foreign country and now crazy busy at work. Here's a brief breather for me and some things I've been pondering as of late.

First, it saddens me that Terri Schiavo has passed. But the hoopla was too much. If all she ever wanted was to go in peace (and all we have are two opposing claims, unfortunately, no words from her), then I think we (the government, the media, the people, the law, etc.) screwed that up royally.

Why is it that this government feels the need to continually get up in people's mixes? Ever heard of this little phrase in this old document we have claiming that we, the people, have "certain inalienable rights" like "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"? (well, to that general effect http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/constitution.preamble.html)

So how does that translate into "I am goverment, I will make decisions about citizens' PRIVATE lives that will affect everyone forevermore." I thank the Supreme Court and many other courts for dismissing recent appeals. It comes down to a basic principle: The government is already too involved in our lives: they sure as hell don't have a right to decide someone's life or not.

Think ill of me. Whatever. The point of MY BLOG is to write whatever the hell I want. There are much worse opinions out there than mine.

I only wish all those passing to live a better life in the hereafter, wherever, whatever that may be. And before you think I'm being insensitive to death, I had an uncle who passed away on Sunday. He suffered for some time. I'm just glad he's not suffering anymore. He is in a much better place.

My most loathed condiment

This has bothered me for some time. Some people LOVE mayonnaise. They want to slather everything with it. They want to bathe in it. They want a fragrance that's mayonnaise-scented. They go to their happy place when smelling or tasting mayonnaise. Some people are weird. I would love nothing more than if mayonnaise did not exist, for the plain fact that I don't want it added to my food without me asking for it. I'm sick of it.

I don't understand why the restaurant standard is to put mayonnaise on every sandwich. I believe more people ask for it without, and most people I've polled (informally of course) have little preference - if it's on bread, they'll eat it, but if it's not, they won't. I feel like for a vast majority of people, mayonnaise is NOT a deal-breaker when it comes to enjoying a sandwich.

On the other hand, I have found that is IS, in fact, a deal-breaker for people who don't like it. If I am mistakenly served mayo, I will return the sandwich. If this happens with take-out and I'm already away from the restaurant, I won't eat it. It makes me physically ill. Say what you will about my aversion being psychosomatic, but I am sick to my stomach when I ingest mayo.

With obesity on the rise, why don't restaurants start making people request mayo? I'm sick of people just expecting that everyone wants a delicious glob of gross eggy-fatty stuff on their bread. Join the health conscious millennium!

Countdown to Rome

8 days...and literally counting.

Sono di New York.

Mi llamo Heather.

Bonjourno!

Una caza de cafe.

I'm hoping osmosis works, cuz that's about all I know. My plan is to listen to the 4 cd's I have all day in my office until then, hoping something sinks. And the pope bucks up.

Sometimes I need reminding

That the reason I love NY is for the little things.

Last night, after wending my way through the tourist hell that is Times Square, I made it safely over to Hell's Kitchen where I met my friends for some jolly comraderie and imbibing prior to our scheduled appearance at the Broadway musical, "Spamalot." This is the new show based on Monty Python's "The Holy Grail" and is quite brilliant and hytserical. If you have a sense of humor at all, see it. Oh, and the lead characters are Tim Curry, Hank Azaria and David Hyde Pierce. The supporting cast is also superb.

Enough of that. As I walked with my friend to Grand Central in the lightly falling snow, it was one of those magical NY moments - like the scene in the lame-but-I-still-watch-it-when-it's-on movie "Serendipity" where the snow is swirling all around and there's a glove flying through the air and they're in Central park....anyway, a great night, nice fat snowflakes, quiet. NY is my favorite when it's captured in an isolated snow cocoon.

As we head into the station, my friend remembers that there is a squash tournament somewhere. We find it. Yep, bleachers and a glass-encased squash court are set up directly off the grand hall. I mean, where else can you:
1. See famous actors in a comic musical, then....
2. Walk through a winter wonderland and enjoy it's simplicty, then...
3. See a squash tournament in a train station on your way home.

And all before 10:30 PM on a Thursday.

Ah, NY. I need to be reminded - sometimes.

Wow, SUCH breaking News!

From CNN.com (posted 12:20 PM est):

BREAKING NEWS
President Bush says he and Russian President Putin agree Iran should not have nuclear weapons. Details soon.

Comment: Why is it breaking news that the two most powerful nuclear powers have decided that Iran shouldn't have nukes, when the real story is that THE TWO MOST NUCLEAR POWERS STILL HAVE NUKES AND AREN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT?? Oh, and Russia was supplying nukes to Iran. That must be a sidebar story not worth actually discussing...

Pray for the Papal

Everyone, put your hands together and do what MC Hammer once requested: "Pray...PRAY!"

I'm not Catholic - I'm not even religious. I actually have some strong opinons on organized religion. But this is not the forum for that and I will not preach (oh, my sides, they are keeling me from my pun) to you here, without your ability to pipe in.

But please say a word or few for our good papal's health. He just has a new book out that needs publicity. And if he continues illin', I have work-related stuff that will be affected (no good). I also don't want the hordes to be in Rome when I'm there in March.

So maybe my reasons are selfish. But everyone has their time, and I feel that the Pope still has a lot of life in him. Keep on truckin'.

(NOTE: I mean no disrespect. Take it or leave it.)

WHY??!

Ok, wow, so quick, posting #2 already:

I will randomly post rules as I see them.

Office Courtesy Rule #1:
When cooking nasty-ass skanky fish, DO NOT use office microwave. Dry heaving is no fun.

My first post

Wow. This is a red letter day in the land of me. Friends call me Bacon. Foes know better. A wealth of possibilites abound in cyberspace as to what I can write about. Since I have been a slacker and have been talking about creating this damn easy thing for about 3 months, I have finally convinced myself of it's simplicity and away we go. Come fly with me....

Hmmm, I sit here and have attempted two thoughts already, and I'm just not feelin' 'em. This is momentous. I want to write something earth-chattering, life-changing, something that will make the 4 of you reading this cry out to the eaves and sing my praises. Alas, it's Friday. I have work to do.

So I'm instead going to praise a great thing. A smoked, cured meat. Prociutto it ain't. I'm talking good, ol' fashioned BACON. This is my nickname. It's not because I'm a fatty or some disgusting person who ingests a pound of bacon daily. I like the taste, I'll admit it. I like it on burgers and turkey sandiwiches. It's great with pancakes or on an egg and cheese. But I was lovingly given Bacon as my nickname for the sole purpose of begging a Johnny Rockets waitress to slap some bits on cheese fries (DISCLAIMER: It was late. I'd been drinking. It should also be noted that I ordered the first thing on the menu because I thought it would be the biggest. I then ate it slathered in ketchup. )

So there you have it. I will refer to Bacon often, both as myself and as a meaty treat that's enjoyable when ingested in moderation. Enjoy Bacon, folks. Life is just too damn short.